In short, a young carer is a child or young person under 18 who looks after a family member who is ill, disabled, struggling with their mental health or affected by alcohol or drugs. Many adults don’t realise they were young carers, because caring felt normal and was rarely talked about. If you regularly took on practical or emotional responsibility for someone at home while you were growing up, you may well have been a young carer, whether or not anyone called you one.

If you’ve ever seen the phrase “young carer” and thought, that’s not me, my situation wasn’t that bad, you’re far from alone. It’s one of the most common things I hear from adults who grew up looking after someone. Often they never thought of themselves as carers at all. They were just helping out.

What about emotional caring? Does that count?

Yes. Caring isn’t only practical. Being a parent’s trusted person, worrying about if they’re ok whilst you were at school or keeping the peace so they don’t get upset can be just as demanding for a child. It is also much less likely to be noticed or named, by the family or by anyone else.

Why don’t many adults realise they were young carers?

There are a few common reasons for this:

• It felt normal. Children don’t compare their family with other families. What happens at home is simply how life is.
• You were praised for it. Being told you were “so mature for your age” or “such a good helper” can make caring feel like a source of pride rather than a heavy load.
• Nobody named it. If the illness or difficulty was never talked about, there was no word for what you were doing.
• You loved them. Recognising that your childhood involved too much responsibility isn’t criticising the person you cared for. Both things can be true: you loved them, and it was a lot for a child to carry.

And if the label still doesn’t feel it quite ‘fits’?

Well, that’s ok. You don’t have to use it.

But for many people, putting a name to the experience brings a quiet sense of relief. It can help make sense of things that have puzzled you for years: why you find it hard to relax, why you feel uneasy when someone does something for you, why saying “no” feels almost impossible.

If you’ve ever told yourself that things weren’t “bad enough” to deserve support, you may also find my post on the “I’m not broken enough to need counselling” myth helpful.

What can help if this sounds familiar?

You might like to start by acknowledging and giving yourself credit for what you did. You can read more about the experience of young and adult carers through Carers UK and Carers Trust, and talking things through with someone outside the family can help. Counselling gives you a confidential space to explore how your early responsibilities shaped you, at your own pace. You can read about how I work with the impacts of illness and caring responsibilities, including online sessions and in-person sessions in Abergavenny.

Frequently asked questions

Yes. Whilst practical tasks such as cooking, cleaning and caring for siblings might often have been asked of you, emotional support counts too. This might have been things like listening to a parent’s worries, watching their moods closely or taking care of yourself because they weren’t always able to. What matters is that you carried responsibility that would usually belong to an adult.

No. Many families never had a diagnosis, or didn’t talk about the problem at all. Caring for someone with a long-term illness, a disability, a mental health difficulty or an alcohol or drug problem can all involve caring responsibilities.

Yes, very. It’s common to love someone, feel proud of what you did, and also feel sad, angry or tired about how much was asked of you. These feelings can sit side by side.

Yes. Counselling can help you understand how early caring shaped your relationships, work and sense of self. It also supports you to make changes in your life now. If you’d like to explore this, I offer a free 15-minute introductory call.

In the next post, I’ll look at how being a young carer affects you as an adult, often in ways we don’t connect with our past.

Written by Sam, BACP registered counsellor and psychotherapist at Fernbank Counselling and Psychotherapy, who has worked with clients of all ages for 25 years. Part 1 of 3. Last reviewed: October 2026.